


i want to scream "i love you" from the top of my lungs (but i'm afraid that someone else will hear me)

by plasticinedreams



Series: i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now i only waste it dreaming of you) [2]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Boys In Love, But Also Some Angst, Homophobic Language, M/M, Oops, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, okay I lied, there's a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24700510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plasticinedreams/pseuds/plasticinedreams
Summary: May knows something, Zach apparently has a girlfriend, and nobody believes Alex's story (but can you really blame them?)
Relationships: Amorowat "Ani" Achola/Clay Jensen, Caleb/Tony Padilla, Jessica Davis/Justin Foley, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Series: i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now i only waste it dreaming of you) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1785727
Comments: 1
Kudos: 35





	i want to scream "i love you" from the top of my lungs (but i'm afraid that someone else will hear me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May knows something, Zach apparently has a girlfriend, and nobody believes Alex's story (but can you really blame them?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this a month ago and didn't want to post it but Archive was about to delete it so-
> 
> Content Warning: Alluded homophobia, references to Alex's suicide attempt and suicidality, talk about canon character death

_Alex: i had a lot of fun 2nite ;)_

Zach saw the text illuminate his bedroom and grinned in the dark. Memories of the rooftop flooded his brain. Holding Alex in his arms, he figured it out. Why he was always so eager to touch the boy, hang out with him, protect him. Why his eyes were bluer than anything Zach had ever seen. Why seeing his friend smile turned his stomach inside out and into knots. When Alex kissed him, there was no use trying to deny it. It just confirmed the newly-discovered fact: _Zach Dempsey had a big fat crush on Alex Standall._ He quickly messaged back.

_Z: me too. who knew your poker skills were so good ;)_

The other boy responded nearly right away.

_Alex: yeah, poker ;))))_

Zach snorted as he read the reply. Something about the winky faces made him giddy. He felt like he was a middle school girl, fawning over dumb texts from his crush. _Crush._ The word felt foreign in his mouth. Like it didn't belong, or at least wasn't supposed to belong.

_Z: hey, it's getting late, ill see you tomorrow_

It was stupid. He liked Alex, _as in_ _like-liked Alex. As in 'I wanna kiss you and hold your hand and be your boyfriend' like-liked Alex._ A way he hadn't felt since Hannah, over a year ago. But even admitting that to himself left an odd lump in his throat. It wasn't Alex who made the situation all seem wrong in Zach's mind. _Hell,_ Alex was the only thing that he knew with one-hundred percent confidence was _right._ It was the whole _'Alex is a dude'_ thing. Which didn't necessarily bother Zach, until he actually sat down to think about it. About scholarships, and kids at school, and his mom. _God, his mom. Bless her soul if she ever found out._

_Alex: gn, see u 2morrow too <3_

If the winky faces made him giddy, _that_ gave Zach an absolute heart attack. He wondered what school would be like the next day. They wouldn't act like a _couple,_ would they? They _couldn't. Not at Liberty_. _Not Zach._

He had to revel in their current interactions. _Because no one could know._ If someone knew, well, then everyone knew. 

_Z: good night <3_

Zach had never imagined the night would end up the way it did, with him flirting with his best friend. Who, up until only a few hours ago, he had only thought of as just that. A friend. 

_It's amazing how saving someone from certain death makes you realize your feelings for them._

He turned his phone off and set it on the nightstand beside him, closing his eyes and smiling as he fell asleep. Zach could worry about him and Alex tomorrow. 

***

"Someone's in a good mood," May remarked as Zach set his plate of toaster pastries down, a content expression gracing his face. Right before he had went to go make breakfast, Alex messaged him. And maybe Zach couldn't stop thinking about the photo the younger boy sent, of him shirtless, light brown hair unkempt, and forming a heart with his hands. Okay, he _definitely_ couldn't stop thinking about it. 

"What do you mean, May?"

"Oh c'mon, you're smiling like an idiot. Either you're exhausted to the point of delirium, or something happened last night." She ate a spoonful of her cornflakes. "I'd say both."

There's no way she _knew,_ right? Did she see Alex's text on his phone, a "good morning sweetheart <3" and the selfie he had (jokingly?) sent? His screen was face down on the table, so she couldn't have. Unless she flipped it over to look at it while he was getting the Pop Tarts out of the toaster. But May wouldn't do that. _Would she?_ He shoved the phone into his sweatshirt. _Better safe than sorry._

"Okay fine!" Zach whined. "Something happened!"

May's eyes widened. "You got some, didn't you?" She let out a shocked laugh.

"May, first of all, _ew._ Second of all, you're not even 14 yet, you shouldn't know what that means!"

"So you aren't denying it?" the girl raised her eyebrows suggestively. 

"I mean I kissed someone, that was it!" Zach broke the pastry in pieces, pretending to dissect the cherry filling to hide his redness. He didn't understand why she was so invested in his love life. But then again, he didn't understand why he was telling her all about it in the first place.

"Is it someone I know? Was it Chloe? You two would be cute together!"

The older boy choked on his breakfast. "Chloe?" He swallowed loudly and coughed. "Fuck no! We're just friends, May! And no, you don't know them."

Well, _she did,_ but Zach wasn't about to let his sister guess every girl she knew. (Especially since it wasn't a girl. That would change things in a way he wasn't equipped to handle at 7 in the morning). He briefly contemplated telling her. But as soon as the thought appeared, uncertainty clouded his brain. May knowing wouldn't be a bad thing, per say, it was who she'd tell that was the problem. He couldn't trust an eighth-grade girl to keep his relationship a secret. Zach's phone buzzed in his pocket, and his face lit up. May smirked knowingly.

_Alex: i hope u know its now part of ur duties 2 drive me 2 school_

_Alex: since we're on kissing terms and all <3_

Zach chuckled, a deep blush coloring his cheeks. He could feel his entire body heat up as he stared at the texts. _Kissing terms._ _Meaning Alex probably wanted to kiss him again. Probably. (Hopefully.)_

"Is that the special girl?"

_Fuck_

"No." He crammed the device into his jeans and stood up from the table, wishing his sudden tomato-like appearance wasn't as obvious as it felt. "It was Alex. He needs a ride to school today. Get ready quick or I'm leaving without you."

May began shoveling the rest of her cereal into her mouth. "Y'know, sisters should be first priority when it comes to driving."

"You _were_ first priority. But you're still in your pajamas and Alex texted me five minutes ago telling me he was waiting."

She rolled her eyes. "I hate you."

"Love you too!"

***

"You really had to bring your _sister,_ dude?" Alex whispered as he closed the passenger door. 

"It's my _brotherly_ _duty_. And besides, she called shotgun. I'm lucky I managed to convince her to give it to you."

It wasn't convincing as much as it was locking the passenger side and refusing to open it until May got in the backseat, but hey, at least it was _something_. 

"Well, now I can't do this," the younger boy reached out and brushed his hand over Zach's.

His breath hitched as he tried to pay attention to the rearview mirror. "May's middle school is six minutes away from Liberty, I'm sure we'll find time for that after she gets out." 

"What are you guys whispering about?" The black-haired girl leaned forward and asked. Zach could feel Alex tense up, lurching his arm away and mouthing something definitely profane.

"Uh-"

"A project in History. Alex is my partner," Zach rescued.

The smaller boy scrunched his eyebrows and muttered " _W_ _hat the fuck?"_ under his breath. Luckily not loud enough for May to hear.

Zach ignored it and pulled into the school's parking lot. "We're here, May! Get your butt out!"

His sister rolled her eyes. "I'm so glad I won't have high school with you next year." She leapt out, grabbing her backpack and flipping him off. Zach blew a kiss in response. It was somewhat routine of them, though Zach didn't mind. He knew May loved him, despite her attempts to maintain her 'too cool for my brother' façade.

"Thanks for lying there, man." Alex turned to the other boy and interlocked their fingers once again. _A real hand hold._ Zach would be lying if he said the touch didn't send millions of tiny sparks trailing down his arm. "So, History, huh? I'm in Econ, but good try."

"Hey, I'm not a perfect boyfriend, I don't have your schedule memorized!"

_Shit._

Zach jerked his hand away and his cheeks burned. _Kissing three times didn't make you a couple, idiot._

 _"Boyfriend?_ I don't believe we ever had that discussion, Dempsey." Alex smirked.

"Oh shit, I-I'm sorry! Is that okay? I just thought-"

The other boy shut him up by pressing their lips together. They tasted like coffee. Shitty, left to steep too long, most likely made by some amateur barista at Monet's coffee. It was Zach's new favorite taste. Alex pulled away and flicked him playfully.

"So, taking that as a yes?"

"For fuck's sake! I wouldn't kiss you if it was a no! God!" Alex gave another chaste peck, slightly off Zach's lips and near his chin, then ruffled the older boy's dark hair.

Zach glanced at their surroundings worryingly. "We're still in the parking lot," he noted. A parking lot with kids. Hundreds of kids. Kids who would tell May how they saw her cool, hot, basketball-playing brother kissing some dude right in front of the school. 

"What, afraid a sixth-grader will see?" Alex joked, but when he saw the guilty expression on the older boy's face, he went serious. "Oh."

_Oh._

"You know how people at school are. I mean...I have scouts. If anyone knew I was dating a guy, I-"

"Your career would be ruined," Alex looked down and sighed. "I get it. I don't think I'm ready either."

Zach fiddled with the cuffs on the younger boy's jacket absentmindedly. "So this thing we have, we're keeping it between us?" He rubbed his thumb in circles across Alex's wrist. His _boyfriend's_ wrist. The lump in his throat seemed to dissipate whenever he was in the other boy's presence. 

"Only if we get to be _obnoxiously_ couple-y when we're alone." Alex leaned his head into the taller boy, resting it in the crook of his neck. 

"Oh really?" Zach kissed the smaller boy's temple. "I think that can be arranged."

***

"Yo Dempsey!" Jamie yelled out in the hallway.

The boy knew what was to come. He had made plans with J.B Garrison and the rest of the basketball team at Monet's last night. To meet before the first game back after Winter Break. His first game after being cleared by doctors to play. He would never be able to play football again, but that really didn't bother him too much. Basketball was what he really cared about. Zach had ditched them, but he couldn't say why. _"I spent the night walking on rooftops and kissing my best friend"_ didn't exactly fit the 'straight star athlete' persona he was going for. So, like any self respecting human, he lied.

"Hey, man, sorry about Monet's, my mom made me take May shopping to get a new leotard for her ballet class."

May had quit dance in sixth grade, but J.B didn't need to know that. Or that she had spent most of the night at a friend's house. Definitely not the fact that there was no chance in hell Karen Dempsey would trust her 18 year old son to buy clothes for her daughter. Last time he took her shopping with his friends, May had come home with a Sex Pistols shirt, courtesy of Alex, then immediately dress-coded when she wore it to school. He had been banned ever since.

"Lame. We missed you though, bro. You'll be at the next one right? After the game?"

"Yeah," Zach chewed his lip to prevent himself from saying more. "Totally."

***

"Okay, so what was the real reason you missed Monet's?" Justin sat down at their bench, a paper bag in hand. He pulled out a ham and cheese sandwich and took large bites as he waited for an answer.

"What do you mean? May needed clothes for ballet, so I took her shopping." Zach inwardly cringed at the lie. Justin was one of his best friends, there was no way he believed him.

"That's bullshit, dude. We both know May hasn't danced since she was 11," He said with his mouth full.

_And there it was._

"Fine, I wasn't with May, but I'm not telling you what I was doing. And learn some manners, dude, that's fucking disgusting."

"You were with a girl, weren't you?"

Zach coughed on the burger he was chewing. He didn't understand why everyone immediately assumed that. Did he really have that sort of reputation?

"What if I was?" 

_He wasn't,_ but maybe Justin thinking he was dating a girl wasn't a bad idea.

"Well, I'm happy for you if it's serious, but you can't keep ditching us to have sex all the time." The younger boy pushed a Ziploc bag of colorful candies Zach's way. "Here. Lainie always packs me Skittles, but I don't have the heart to tell her I hate them. Maybe you could share them with your _girlfriend."_

And, with perfect timing, Alex slid his tray onto the lunch table.

"What are we talking about?"

Justin laughed and started peeling his orange. "Just how Zachy here lied about missing the team dinner to hang out with his new girl." He made a vaguely obscene gesture with the fruit, causing Zach to nearly spit out his carton of juice.

Alex raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Oh really, huh? Last night? You have a girlfriend and didn't tell us? We have to meet her, man."

 _Fucking Alex._ He was _never_ going to let him live this one down.

"Some other time." Zach grabbed a handful of candy then handed the rest to the boy sitting next to him, who eyed the bag gratefully. Lunch was the only time he ever got food not part of whatever weird diet Carolyn was forcing on him.

A sudden pressure against his leg brought his attention to under the table. Alex had wrapped his sneaker-clad foot around Zach's, smiling coyly. The older boy tried to be inconspicuous with the glance he gave, signaling _'what the fuck, we're supposed to keep this thing hidden, not play footsie in front of half the school'._ Alex just grinned wider and jabbed the shoe into his ankle.

"Ow!"

Justin looked over to him questioningly, making Zach turn a dark red. "I bumped my knee on the table, nothing to worry about." He glared at his boyfriend pointedly.

Alex pretended not to see him and smirked, returning his foot back to his own personal space. "So, how's life for you, Foley? Haven't seen you around Jess since Christmas."

Jessica and Justin were practically inseparable before the boy went to rehab. It was a sort of nauseating cuteness that Zach found almost unbearable. But then he fell for Alex, and it seemed like couple goals. 

"Oh," the football player muttered. "We broke up, actually. I need to focus on my sobriety right now."

The brown-haired boy frowned. "Wait, fuck, I'm sorry man, I had no idea."

"Nah, it's fine. I broke up with her anyways." Justin got up to throw away his trash. "Don't start making out while I'm gone!"

It was a joke, but Zach couldn't help but feel paranoid. _Did he see their feet? Did he know they were dating? If he did, would he tell the other football players? Justin wasn't like that anymore, right?_

Alex saw the boy's worried expression and placed his hand on the other's shoulder. "There's no way he knows, dude. He may be your best friend, but he isn't very aware of his surroundings."

"I know," he said. But something kept him from believing the words.

***

"Have I ever told you I _hate_ your car?"

It was a _stupid fucking_ _Audi_ with a _stupid fucking leather interior_ and a _stupid fucking tree air freshener_ dangling between the two front seats. (The air freshener didn't even smell like a tree, it was vanilla-scented. _Fucking vanilla. Who does that?)_

"Then why are you _constantly_ in it?" Zach grinned.

"I think it's pretty obvious why." Alex gestured to their intertwined hands.

"We've been dating less than a day, you've practically lived in this car since I met you."

"Hey, maybe I've had a crush on you all this time."

"You've had a crush on me since last night."

"That I knew of," the brown-haired boy tapped a rhythm with his fingers on Zach's knuckles. "Who knows how long I've been subconsciously pining after you?"

"Nah, I'm pretty sure you're just dating me for my car."

Alex swatted the other boy's shoulder. "I told you, I fucking hate your car! Now get out, your mom's gonna wonder why a ten minute drive from school took half an hour."

***

"So, Zach, is your _friend_ staying for dinner?"

It was no secret Karen Dempsey didn't like the deputy's son. She thought her child deserved to be around more suitable guys his age, like Luke Holliday or Diego Torres. Athletes instead of boys who tried to kill themselves.

"His name is Alex, you know that. And his mom wants him home by six." The dark-haired boy had been tasked with smuggling snacks into his room. Mrs. Standall was still adamant on keeping her household eating a clean diet, despite her child's hatred for anything and everything healthy. ( _"I need junk food or I'll die, man!"_ Alex complained over and over until the other boy gave in. _He looked cute begging, but that was just between them.)_

"Why are you friends with him, honey? He's a little _queer,_ don't you think? If college scouts saw you hanging out with him-"

"Mom, what the fuck?" Zach scowled. "College scouts aren't going to fucking care if I'm friends with him! He's not even gay!"

"I'm just saying, Zachary, they might get the wrong idea-"

"What, that we're dating? There are worse things in the world than a basketball player liking a dude!"

"I'm just looking out for you, honey. I know you're straight, but scouts don't. If they see you with that boy, acting all close-"

"He's my best friend, mom! Who gives a shit!" Zach grabbed a bag of chips and ran up the stairs back to his room, but the words left an uncomfortable pit in his stomach.

 _He_ gave a shit.

***

"Holy shit! Doritos! You're the best, dude!" Alex took a handful of the triangles and shoved them into his mouth. He looked at his boyfriend, then upon seeing the still prominent grimace, licked the cheese off his fingers and extended his arm. 

"Ew, what the fuck? I'm not touching that!"

"What's wrong?"

Zach gestured to his wet hand. "Your fucking fingers are covered in Dorito dust and saliva, man!"

"I meant why did you look like you were prepared to kill someone a few seconds ago?"

"Oh." The older boy collapsed onto his comforter. "My mom, she was saying shit...about scouts and stuff. How they wouldn't want me if they thought we were together."

"Did you tell her about us?" Alex's eyes widened.

Zach sighed. "No, I even told her we were both straight. But it just pisses me off, y'know? How my fears aren't completely irrational. I want to be able to hold your hand and walk you to your fucking Economics class and kiss you goodbye. But I can't. Because I have this image I have to live up to, and I'm fucking sick of it!"

"Well, I don't care about the famous, basketball star you. I care about the stupid you that brought cards to a fucking rooftop and used stones as poker chips, then proceeded to kiss me out of nowhere after claiming you didn't like guys."

"That was pretty fucking stupid, wasn't it?" Zach laced their fingers together and smiled softly. (The clean hand, of course. He really liked Alex, but there was no fucking way he was touching the dirty one.)

"The stupidest."

"Hey, I know your mom wants you home by six, but its not even four right now. Wanna do something?"

Alex feigned innocence. "Whatever shall we do?"

"I think you know what I have in mind."

***

They made out for two hours. That was what Zach had in mind.

(Not before Alex washed the Dorito dust off, though he claimed it would add to the experience. _"Cheese dust is fucking sexy, dude!")_

"Hey, it's 5:47, we should probably get going." Zach nudged the boy wrapped around him.

"Can't we just stay like this forever?"

"As much as I'd like to, babe, your mom is making her famous gluten-free vegan lasagna. You can't miss that."

"Babe?" The younger boy raised his eyebrows.

"Well 'bro' doesn't really fit anymore, does it?"

"We could move to the South," Alex offered.

Zach gently pulled away from him. "Okaay, not even going to acknowledge the implications of that sentence." He tugged on the smaller boy's waist, trying to pick him up. "C'mon, now it's 5:51, we have nine minutes to get ready and drive to your house."

"Stay for dinner?" Alex asked. Zach took a while to make a decision. His mother would be angry at him for skipping the one meal a day they had together, but she was already angry, and Carolyn Standall's lasagna _was_ delicious. 

"Fine, but I require _at least_ two helpings and dessert for my sacrifice."

"Sure thing, _bro."_

"Fuck you!"

***

"So you _still_ have to keep it open at, like, all times?" Zach pointed to the cracked door in front of them.

"Yeah, to make sure I don't try to kill myself again or some shit. It's stupid. I'm not suicidal anymore."

"You asked for a gun a few months ago, Alex." The dark-haired boy crossed his arms. "You wrote a goddamn confession."

"A few months ago, okay? I'm better now."

"Except for the fact that you _killed a man."_

Alex hugged one of his pillows and plopped down onto the bed. "Well, you beat the shit out of him first, I think we're both to blame." 

"Okay, so I'm pretty sure talking about murder, with the door open, with a cop across the hall isn't a good idea." Zach once again gestured to the ajar entrance.

"Relax, he knows I did it."

The older boy stared at Alex, hoping to find some indication he was kidding. When he saw nothing, his eyes widened and he ran to shut the door. " _What the fuck! How the fuck does he know!"_

"He was on the scene. I don't know exactly how he figured it out, but one day he just came into my room and said he knew it was me. But don't worry. He burned all the evidence, and they closed the case. We're both safe." The shorter boy grinned. "You know, if my parents went to check on us, they'd probably think we're having sex, since you closed the fucking door even after I told you not to."

"Well," Zach leaned closer. "If they _already_ think that..."

"Yeah, no thanks. I'd rather _not_ be caught our first day of secretly dating." Alex jokingly pushed the other boy away.

"One kiss?" 

"Fine, one. But dinner is probably almost ready, and if they see the door..."

Zach closed the space between them.

"I'll take my chances."

***

It was _not_ just one kiss. 

Luckily, the boys heard Carolyn when she called them down for dinner, avoiding an incredibly awkward situation. Seeing your child with his tongue down another dude's throat wasn't the _best_ way to come out. 

"Fuck! You look like shit, dude!" Alex pointed to the other boy. His black hair was tousled, and his lips were pink and swollen. He looked _sexy,_ but for a dinner with his _secret boyfriend's family?_ Not the greatest.

"You're one to talk," Zach ruffled his light brown hair and traced his hand over the bruise forming on his neck. Alex stiffened when he felt the touch of the sensitive skin.

"Shit!" The younger boy ran to the mirror in his bathroom. "You gave me a fucking hickey! It's our first day together, and you gave me a fucking hickey! Fucking hell, Zach, what the fuck!" 

Alex was panicking, but the older boy couldn't help but to burst into laughter. "It's fine, dude, don't worry. I'll go down, say you're taking a piss, and you put concealer on it or some shit. They'll never know."

"What the fuck! What the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't know how to use makeup!"

"Maybe next time, don't try to seduce me with Doritos. Figure it out." Zach smoothed down his hair and straightened his clothes. "It's more suspicious for both of us to be taking so long." With that, he opened the door and formed a heart with his hands, walking backwards down the hall.

_Fucking hell._

***

"So, Zach, will Alex be joining us?" Carolyn Standall placed the lasagna in front of her husband and son's friend, setting the potholders next to the pan. She grabbed a serving spatula and cut the dinner into squares, making three plates then hesitating on the fourth.

"Yeah, he's just in the bathroom right now." Zach twisted his hands under the table.

"He's taking an awfully long time, is he okay?" Mrs. Standall asked worryingly. "Oh, I knew I shouldn't have let him get lunch from school-"

"Hey, Mom, I hope you're not scaring away the guest," The boy in question appeared suddenly. (What was with him and materializing whenever he was mentioned?) Zach saw his neck and stifled a snort. A giant bandage covered the mark.

_Way to go, Alex. You somehow found a disguise that would raise more questions than a hickey._

"Um...sweetie? What happened to your neck? Are you alright?" Carolyn furrowed her brows, but Bill snickered quietly.

"He's fine, honey. Someone at school hit him on accident." The officer winked and Alex turned beet red.

_Shit._

"On the neck? Bill, if someone's bullying him-"

"Dodgeball!" Alex yelled frantically. "I got hit in dodgeball! The people in my class are fucking _insane_ at the game!" 

"And they covered it up with a band-aid? What-"

"The nurses office isn't the best, Mrs. Standall. Once a kid stapled his finger, and all he got was an ice pack," Zach assured her. The kid was _also Alex_ _,_ trying to look cool, but he figured the boy had enough embarrassment for the night.

"Well, if you say so. I still want to get a look at it after dinner, though." Carolyn stuck her fork into the layers of pasta and cheese. (Gluten-free noodles, dairy-free ricotta, as she never failed to remind them.)

"No! I mean, it's practically healed already, you don't need to check on it. Right, Zach?" The older boy nearly choked on his bite of lasagna. 

_Classic Alex. Drag him into this._

"Right! I um-I made sure it was getting better. That's actually why he was in the bathroom! Changing the bandage since I took the other one off to check the bruise!"

"Oh alright." Alex's mother scooped out another portion of the dish. "Anyone else want seconds? There's plenty to go around!"

Zach eagerly held out his plate. _At least he had that going for him._

***

"Who's the lucky girl?" Bill Standall pat Alex on the back, chuckling at his son.

_Fuck. So this was happening._

"Uh...what do you mean?"

Playing dumb wasn't a great choice.

"Oh, kid, c'mon, a band-aid? You could've at least stolen some makeup to cover it."

"I-I don't know what you're talking about."

His dad obviously knew the true nature of the injury, (much to Alex's chagrin), but at least he had waited until Carolyn and Zach were gone to ask his child about it.

"Your old man knows a love-bite when he sees one."

_Fuck._

Alex scrunched his nose. "Okay, first of all, nobody calls it a love-bite anymore, and second, it's not. I told you guys, I got hit by a dodgeball."

"Listen son, I won't push any further, but if you're having sex-"

"Protection, I got it!" The boy flushed. "Not having sex, so can we please stop talking about this?"

_Please._

"Fine." _Thank God._ "But you can come to me if you ever need to talk about anything."

He didn't know what was more humiliating. His dad seeing right through his lies, or offering to give sex advice to his teenage son.

"Can I go now? I should probably text Zach, make sure he got home safely and all." Alex started walking towards the staircase, trying to hide his blush. _And yell at him for giving me a hickey,_ he thought.

"Hey kiddo?"

The boy turned back around.

"Get some makeup on that thing, the bandage is just embarrassing."

***

Maybe going to Walplex at nearly midnight to buy concealer with a giant band-aid on was a little suspicious. Zach found it hilarious though.

_A: ok im here. wheres the makeup_

_Zach: you think i know?_

_A: u thought of the idea im sure u know_

_A: bet u did it w/ all ur other gfs_

_Zach: r00d. you're my first <3_

_A: wow i feel so honored_

_A: that was a joke btw. i h8 u_

_Zach: you know you love me_

_A: dont_

_Zach: xoxo gossip girl_

_A: how do u even know that reference_

_Zach: i could ask you the same question_

_A: >:(((_

_Zach: <33333_

Alex rolled his eyes and looked up from his phone to see a girl his age in a blue uniform behind a counter staring at him. 

"Welcome to Walplex, do you need any help finding anything?" There was a hint of flirtation in her voice, but the boy brushed it off. She was fairly pretty, with curly coal-colored hair in a ponytail, big brown eyes, and perfectly plump lips. But Alex had no interest in her (or any girl at the moment). He caught a glimpse of the name tag behind her raven locks; _Nina_ _._

"Oh, um-yeah. I need some concealer?" He phrased it as a question.

She eyed the band-aid haphazardly taped to his face. "Well that's a shame." She twirled a black strand around her finger. "Makeup's to your left, aisle three. And if you and this girl don't work out," Nina tore off a coupon and scribbled something in ink. "You can call me." She handed him the scrap of paper with a series of numbers on it.

_How did everyone know it was a hickey? Was it really that obvious?_

"Um, thanks but...it's a guy actually." Alex doubted he'd see the girl again, so telling her didn't seem like that big of a deal.

Nina's eyes widened, and her smile faded. "Oh. _Shit, I'm so sorry!_ You can still call me if you want. My name's Nina," she pointed to the tag. "Y'know, if you couldn't tell."

"Yeah, don't worry about it, I just figured it out too. I'm Alex."

A flash of recognition passed Nina's face. "Wait, Standall? Alex Standall? I knew you looked familiar. Your hair's different though." She wrapped a few loose curls behind her ear. "You dated Jessica Davis, right? We were on the same cheer team."

"That would be me. You go to Liberty?" He went to nearly every football game the past season, yet had never seen her before. It was surprising he didn't realize his crush on Zach earlier. Why else would he sit through over 20 hours of a sport he had no interest in? 

"Well, _went._ After everything that happened at the end of the year..." She grimaced. "My dad made me transfer. I'm at Sacred Hearts now."

So _that_ would explain it. 

"You're lucky. I wish I could've transferred."

"I heard about the Homecoming game. Wasn't Bryce Walker murdered that night, too?" She questioned.

 _'Yeah, I was the one who killed him'_ he almost said, but then he remembered he was, in fact, talking to a stranger who would most certainly call the police as soon as he left if he told her. Coming out was one thing. Confessing a murder though?

"Yeah, it's sort of a shitty place, but I'm graduating this year, so..." Alex trailed off. "I should probably go get that concealer, it's getting late." He moved left toward the makeup aisle.

Nina waved. "My shift ends at 12, but... see you around?"

"Yeah, see you."

***

_Alex: so i get to the store and sum girl starts flirting w/ me_

_Alex: she was nice tho, she gave me her #_

_Alex: i told her i liked guys_

_Alex: she used 2 go 2 liberty_

_Alex: now she's at sacred hearts_

_Alex: that's where chloe goes rite?_

Zach listened to the repeated buzzing while he laid in bed. It was the second night in a row the other boy had messaged him at an ungodly hour, but he didn't mind.

_Z: is this gonna be a daily thing?_

_Z: us texting when we should be asleep?_

_Alex: sry i didnt see what time it was_

_Z: it's np. anything for my boyfriend <3_

A bubble with three dots appeared. After what felt like eternity, Zach got a response.

_Alex: yknow when i told her i was dating a dude_

_Alex: she didn't mind_

_Alex: idk_

_Alex: maybe telling ppl won't b as bad as we think?_

_Read 2:10 am_

_Alex: Zach?_

_Read 2:37 am_

***

So maybe Zach felt bad for leaving Alex on read. Okay, fine, he totally felt bad. Even more so when he saw the younger boy's face that morning outside the doors of Liberty, tugging a loose stitch on his backpack strap

"What the fuck, dude?" He scowled at Zach, ripping the sting completely off in the process.

"Listen, I'm sorry, but-" 

Alex cut him off. "You're not the only one who gets worried when people don't text back, Zach. You can't just leave me on read then not talk to me all weekend! I thought you were passed out drunk or some shit!" 

"How am I supposed to respond!" The dark-haired boy yelled, then, realizing their crowded location, lowered his voice. "Look, just because one girl who doesn't even go here is okay with two guys being together doesn't mean others are. I've heard stories, Alex. Athletes lose scholarships over this type of thing."

"Whatever." The smaller boy surged forward and handed his bag to the SRO standing next to the entrance. Liberty had finally gotten metal detectors. It only took them an attempted school shooting and a murder to do so. Though the measures they went through to make sure the school environment was "safe" were ridiculous at times (like, seriously, having men do pat-downs on female students?) Zach quickly followed him through the doors. The hall was filled with the excited murmurs of students, but whatever the talk was about was blocked by a crowd of people standing in front of the main office. The boys pushed through the swarm of teens, only to stop dead in their tracks. Spray-painted were the words 'MONTY WAS FRAMED' in big, bold, red letters. 

"What the fuck," Alex whispered. Zach just stared at the paint.

_How did someone figure it out?_

***

"Okay, just because I agreed to get in a car with you, doesn't mean you're forgiven." Alex crossed his arms, inspecting a spot on the windshield, though somewhat sarcastically. Something told Zach his apology was already accepted.

"Well," Zach swerved left on the road, driving to a vacant clearing of trees overlooking a body of water. "Am I now?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "So taking me to some creepy lake is supposed to make me forgive you? How do I know you won't push me to my death?"

 _'Like you did to Bryce?'_ The other boy thought. It definitely wasn't something to bring up, after what had happened that morning. Zach still felt paranoid about the whole thing. The only people that knew Bryce's true killer were his friends. But would they really turn on Alex? 

Zach opened the driver seat door, pulling his jacket tighter as the cool wind hit his face. "C'mon. Why would I kill the one person who wants to kiss me?"

Alex followed suit, walking over to meet the older boy on his side of the car. "Who said I still want to kiss you?" He smiled when he answered, like it was a challenge.

"Guess I'll have to kill you then." Zach shrugged, then stepped nearer to his boyfriend. "Shame. You're really cute when you're angry."

"Oh, fuck off!" Alex moved so just inches were between them. Zach could see their breaths frost up and merge together in the cold.

"My dad used to take me here," he whispered suddenly. Alex edged even closer. "After little league games. We'd pick up burgers from one of the stands, then eat them here. They were always cold, but it didn't matter." The tradition continued into high school. After every Liberty Tigers match, whether it was baseball or one of the other many sports Zach played, they drove to their clearing and ate their (admittedly disgusting) meals. It only stopped summer of sophomore year. A time he'd like to forget. "I was just driving around, and then I remembered this place. I wanted to show you, I guess."

"Zach-"

Alex was the first person he told about the accident. Not Bryce, not Justin. _Alex._ He called the boy, crying in the hospital room. George Dempsey had just flatlined. Doctors said the likelihood of the man surviving was low, given the swelling and bleeding of his brain. They said it was a miracle his father wasn't declared dead-on-arrival. Zach refused to drive home that night.

The next day, the Standalls were at the door, carrying flowers and baskets full of baked goods and cards. Alex stood there meekly. Then, as soon as his parents and Peter were inside, wrapped Zach into a bone-crushing hug, and the darkness felt a little bit less suffocating.

"When you shot yourself I...I didn't think you would make it." When Zach heard the news, he couldn't get himself to visit. It was the same hospital he had made that phone call in. The same hospital he saw his father die in. And he felt horrible, not going to see his friend. But part of him believed if he saw the boy, a jungle of tubes and wires, he'd die too. "I'm sorry I never...I never came. And I never saw the signs. I felt like I failed you like I failed Hannah, and-"

Alex placed his hands on Zach's face gingerly. They were icy, but made him feel a million times warmer. "You didn't fail me."

Zach leaned in, feeling the touch of the younger boy's fingers still cupping his cheeks as their lips met. He tasted the familiar strong coffee lacing the inside of Alex's mouth, and he knew everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only 90's kids remember the god awful names they gave the basketball players in season one (I'm looking at you, Anders Anderson)  
> No idea how this one chapter is over 6000 words when I'm lucky if one of my essays turns out to be over 500, but-  
> Also I love Nina and had the hugest crush on her season 2 and I miss her


End file.
